Besides the 1 Samuel Blog Bible Study, I haven’t posted since June 16th! That post was about the amazing book I read 21 Days to a More Disciplined Life by one of my favorite bloggers, Crystal Paine. So, why did I stop posting anything but Bible? I took the past two months to cleanse my brain and focus my energy into preparing for a new season of discipline. A Life edit as prescribed on day 15 of the 21 Days. It was lifegiving to simplify my life in this way.
When we began the summer, Louis and I sat down with the calendar and looked at the whole summer. We knew it was going to be hard with teams to organize, interns coming, preparing to send Davy to school, and visa trips. We would sit again at the beginning of each month to plan out the month. We felt prepared at the end of each of those meetings together. But then almost every week I was past done. I was frustrated with my feeling of weakness. I felt wiped out. I wanted to quit.
I can’t make it! I would shout to the heavens.
I wanted to take back all of that planning we had done. I wanted to give up on nearly every responsibility and relationship I have going in my life right now. I just couldn’t live up to it all!
Simultaneously, I felt God calling me deeper with Him, into waters that would involve even more discipline. “God, don’t You see how I am failing at this discipline thing? How can you expect me to do what You are telling me to do? I can’t even do the simplest part of this plan!” I exclaimed. I felt like I was falling on my face before Him, being vulnerable, giving Him my weakness.
His response was not what I expected.
I didn’t receive an “Oh, my poor little princess, you are right, you are overworked. It’s okay, you don’t have to do what I asked.”
Instead, I heard God say, “Child, you are a Princess. You are an heir to my kingdom. That means there is work to be done. I am here with you, and I will equip you.” Words that I have heard many people share in testimonies for years. Words that have always sounded good when they were for someone else. But to hear them meant for me… Well, now they were real words. And I didn’t like them. I didn’t want God to step in beside me and help me out. I didn’t want to keep going. I wanted to stop and rest and have bonbons! (Still don’t know what a bonbon is, but isn’t that the highlight of being a stay at home mom?!) God coming and giving me strength meant I had to keep going. Like the Israelites complaining about food and water, it turned out the food and water wasn’t what I wanted.
I wanted an excuse to return to everything being exactly the same every day, even if it meant I was a slave.
Well, realizing something like that about myself made me want to change my heart, so I have taken the last two months to adjust my attitude. I was convicted. So I stopped and had a heart restart. I have gone through the steps from the 21 More Days to a Disciplined Life ebook several times, and one of the sessions I made my goal a new attitude, then taking a page from One More Step (book review coming) and life with Louis Liss, I prayed even bigger. I prayed for happiness. Happiness in the midst of the chaos and weakness and failure. It was a big prayer, but if God is going to get me through the giant tasks He is calling me into, I believe He can heal this other part of me that refuses to be happy, too.
Even with a clean house, well-behaved kids, and my husband doing everything I ask, I will NOT have PEACE if I am not doing what God has called me to do.
I return to this blog a new person. I have had reconciliation, purpose, and happiness reignited in my life. Actually the happiness part might be brand new in my life since childhood! So, I am happy to share with you that I am moving forward renewed!
This last picture is a selfie we took on our most recent visa trip. It captures us in this season, imperfect, but happy to be a family surrounded by God’s work (in this picture the ocean, which Kyrie couldn’t look away from for every selfie we tried). Happy to have wonderful people like you out there who pray for us and love us. Happy to be on God’s path, the safest and most secure path available.
Look forward to some new posts coming in the weeks ahead. Posts about life in Lebanon, how the summer has gone, parenting, books I have been reading, and more! PLUS, join us in our fundraiser for Kyrie’s surgery in December.